My pants, nooooo

All the hard work I put in over the last year (and abandoned this summer before all the health crap) has been undone by my eating habits since my surgery.

"Oh, I have holes in my abdomen, now I can eat whatever I want! My body has a new way to process the fat I eat, that must mean I can eat however much I want! Everything made of chicken is probably good for me, right? Yeah! La la la!"

[buzzer]

I was down to 184 at my most recent slimmest, down from a high point of 202 in the summer of 2009. Yay me for that progress. Unfortunately, I'm back up to about 192-194, depending on the time of day I weigh myself.

And besides feeling out of shape and worrying about what this weight is doing to the durability of my remaining internal organs, I can no longer wear the size 14 jeans that I bought this spring for my newly smaller self. I didn't notice as much when I was trapped in dresses for several weeks, but now that I'm wearing waistbands again, I can only wear the size 16s, and not all of those, either. Anything that digs into my abdomen is uncomfortable, though not dangerous to the incision above my navel anymore. It disheartens me to think that it was only 3 to 4 months ago that I bought some of those clothes, and already I'm on the north side of the next size up. And it's going to take so much work to get back to where I want to be - back in those damn size 14 pants.

I'd gotten out of the habit of stepping on the scale shortly after my surgery, when I was concentrating on getting better and exploring all the fast food I'd been missing out on for the last 8 years as a vegetarian. When I recently hopped back on to weigh the dogs (who have both lost several pounds this summer on orders from the vet), I was not pleased, and I stopped weighing myself for a week. Sadly, ignoring the scale and continuing to eat as if there were no consequences did not bring the result I pretended it would: surely, the number would be lower. Not higher. Alas.

My main problems are, in no particular order: cheese, fast food, going to the gas station during the work day for snacks, not eating vegetables, processed meat, full sugar sodas, almost never cooking.

My dinners used to consist of Quorn or soy crumbles in quinoa and mixed vegetables, or a Boca patty eaten on Oroweat sandwich thin, or similar. I'd also bake vegetables. Now, I pick up fast food for my boyfriend and me to eat, or I have a deli-sliced chicken sandwich with Cheetos. I follow it up with full-sugar sodas, snack crackers, dry sugary cereal, cookies, whatever snacks are in the house.

My boyfriend makes wonderful, wonderful food. If I would eat reasonable amounts of it, I'd be absolutely fine. But I don't. He makes a chicken pasta bake that is divine. But it's got a lot of cheese and has pepperoni in it, and every time we've had it, I've eaten large squares and gone back for seconds; I am loathe to think about the calories in each Eve-sized serving. He made a roast in a crock pot last week. It was so good, but it was really fatty. And yeah, I absolutely ate the hell out of it.

Eating because of boredom at work is a problem. It's hard to keep focused on work some days, and it's so easy to tell myself I should help myself to two of the donuts I brought for the office or five of the Laffy Taffys sitting in the candy dish. I also neglect to either bring a satisfying lunch or eat breakfast (though sometimes I stop en route to work for a fried chicken patty on a biscuit from McDonald's or similar), then wind up going to the gas station and buying a low calorie drink... and a candy bar or cookies. Not good for me, and not good for my bank account if I'm spending $5-8 every trip most days of the week.

Tracking my food on Livestrong.com helps me think about what I'm putting into my body, and if I think about the nutritional content of what I'm eating, I'll try to eat healthier. I've found that being mindful is the only thing that keeps me in check. I've begun to question why I made such bad food choices so often. It's an issue that I'm going to explore and try to deal with more effectively. My life is going to be controlled by my health problems as I get older if I don't do something about my weight while I'm relatively young and able to bounce fully back from something as serious as surgery in a period of just 6 weeks.

Sure, exercise helps me lose weight, but I won't pretend that walking 2 miles every other day is going to cut it, because it sure as hell hasn't been a miracle cure in the past, and I've relied on "I'll burn off the calories from this sugary snack during my workout" for far too long. Eating less food and eating higher quality food are most likely going to be my best tools for losing weight and improving my health outlook.